Send Lawyers, guns and money. The sh!@t has hit the fan

The above title pretty much sums it up. I just came off an 18 hour guard duty shift this morning. You know it is interesting when you have the JAG on point. LOL. Actually pulling shift as they call is one my most enjoyable things. I get to do something other than be a lawyer for a day and I got to see a whole host of interesting things.

The first part of my shift, was four hours of monitor duty. I had to watch closed circuit t.v. and keep an eye out for "anything unusual." This would normally be a pretty straight forward task, except when you in Afghanistan (remember you can get detained, arrested and your car impounded for speeding). It was amazing how much stuff I could see with these cameras. One of the cameras faced outside the wire near one of our gates. That is the mecca (no pun intended) of activity. In the hour or so that I watched the screens I discovered that about ten to twelve Afghans can pile into a Ford station wagon from all doors. The last guy has to shut the door. After panning on the clown cars so to speak I changed my view to focus in on something else. Apparently people in Afghanistan, like those in Iraq, like to hang out on their roof. I watched one guy for a better part of an hour pacing back and forth on his roof. After he got bored he decided to take a nap. The only other thing I forgot to mention that it was raining. I know Whiskey Tango Fox Trot. After spending about four hours watching activities such as this I was switched out and allowed to go up in the guard tower (Hercules Hercules me clapping my hands)

My time in the guard tower was much more interesting and enjoyable. I was able to run around with loaded weapon and look at more stuff. The highlights of this part of my shift included supervising the local national security guards pat down the outgoing and incoming workers. As the local nationals chattered in their native Dari, Urdu and other incomprehensible languages I sat there with my weapon and observed silently. Many of these local workers obtained Christmas stockings left over from the Holidays. It was a frenzy as they left the gate. Many of them, after being searched sprinted to the gate with their sack of goodies in tow. After that part of my duties were complete it was time to go back up into the tower for remainder of my shift.

When you are in the tower you are supposed to scan for things that are odd (much like t.v. duty). You can only scan for so long before your mind starts to wander. This happened to me. Here is a snapshot:

Wow it is really dark out. I really can't see anything maybe I will try these binoculars. Looking into them makes me feel drunk. Mmmm beer and other drinks. That would be nice. Oh we can't do that anymore. WWII the good old days in the Army. Let's scan some more and play I spy. I spy a dog. Oh no wait there is another dog and another. Holy crap there are lot of dogs in the country. Ah look those two are loving on each other. Oh my look at that. Wow!... Lucky SOB! Oh wait here comes another wanting to play too. Focus remember the price of security is painful stay focused. Why look it is a man dressed in white with a shovel peeking behind a corner. What is he doing? He is waving his hands toward his garden. The local national guard says he is fine and not a bad man. He is a grape farmer. Hmm farming in a field and digging a hole at night after dark. Just called the hole digger in white into the radio. It's all good they are harmless.. Well okay I guess what is weird in one country is not weird here. Okay almost done here not much longer. Wow my scope is better than the binoculars. Oh some guy is prayer calling wow that is really loud. I guess he really loves God. Okay quitting time.....

As they say in the song and after that running stream of conscience above, send lawyers, guns and money because the s!@#t has hit the fan.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Bagram Style

It is time once again for another installment of what I call Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. I have been in Afghanistan for less than a week and I have already seen a lot of Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. I list some of the more notable ones below. These are in no particular order as I wrote them down as I remembered them.

Watching a bus load of Afghanis jump out of their bus (about 10) that I am following behind to aid in pushing a forklift that stalled. I should note that this fork lift was on steroids as it had tires bigger than my hooch. There must be something in the water because they pushed it to safety and unclogged the road and started to high five each other.

Seeing a sign next to a Checkpoint/Guard post that said "Boots must be worn at all times." The guard force is comprised of Afghanis. The sign was next to several couches with about 10 Afghanis sitting on the couch and one pretending to guard. The one pretending to guard looked like Fidel Castro.

The ability to get a speeding ticket in a war zone at BAF on the FOB.

Being briefed that if I were caught speeding in a war zone at at BAF on the FOB that my vehicle would be impounded, I would be detained and my first line supervisor/commander would have to come and retrieve me from the PMO (military speak for police station).

Potential detainment for not wearing the high speed Army PT belt(Army speak for physical fitness belt. It is a lyme green/yellowish belt that is reflective) and running with an iPod. (see above for punishment and goat rope to be sprung from the pokey)

I like to say that we are winning the War on Terror (oh wait it is now called man made disasters my bad) one PT Belt and speed limit at at time.

I promise more pictures the next time.

I've slept Everywhere

My latest trip to Bagram is complete. As with most things in the Army and military you have to hurry up and wait and waiting we have done. When I wait I always try to sneak in some Rack OPS (military speak for nap time). Over these last couple of years I have founds some interesting and odd places to sleep. As I got to thinking about what places I have slept a song popped into my head to the tune of "I've been Everywhere." It is one of those annoying songs that won't leave. Rather than fight it I decided to channel it. My list/poem contains both CONUS (military speak for the U.S.) and OCONUS (military speak for outside the U.S.) Think of the tune I've been everywhere and replace it with I've Slept everywhere:

Laying in chairs napping on hard floors what a bore I've slept everywhere.
Propped up feet, how sweet, I've slept everywhere.
Under big oak trees bring such glee, I've slept everywhere.
Soft grass is very nice for my...face (gotcha), I've slept everywhere.
C17s, on top of big boxes, with a Therma Rest is the best I've slept everywhere.
Food Courts aren't just for watching sports, I've slept everywhere.

I can't wait to get into real bed soon.